Residue and Delusion

Each of us has a family history and life history. I have had and am working to make peace and gain acceptance of my life history. For years I thought I had taken care of parts of my past, but I deluded myself. I have learned I can fool my mind, but my body and heart know better. There is residue in my body that is real.

ice from frost

residue of ice after frost

Just like the residue of the ice after a frost, recently I have found out I had stored my past history in my cells when I let go of some of that past. Doing that deep healing required me to be humble and willing and ask for help from others and my source. I was unable to do it alone.

“Part of the healing process is sharing with people who care.” – Jerry Cantrell, singer (Alice in Chains)

rain after storm

residue of rain after a storm

The process of letting go of that residue of old stuff surprised me. I believed I had already “put it to bed” and forgiven that part of my past. My own brain is very so good at deluding me, so much so that I wasn’t even aware of what I did NOT know it was still in my own body!

This is a documentary that I love about our human family. Check it out. It explains some  about the science of behind healing that old residue.

moss on tree

residue of moss on tree from when it used to rain more

This moss is left from a time when it rained much more in the past. Now it is drier and hotter where I live.  It is a little like me when I was less aware.

old leaves on tree

old leaves hanging on with death grip

Once I started accepting that old residue, I have shifted myself and am becoming more compassionate towards myself and others. That past and its residue has helped me to understand myself better. The residue did not disappear. However, many of those memories don’t carry as much anger or resentment with them any more. I am lighter and happier much of the time because I am not holding onto that residue like a victim with a death grip, like these leaves on the tree.

“Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.”  – Tori Amos, singer



view of city Eugene

View of city where I live

The camera was unable to capture the view of the city where I live.  Even though I could see it perfectly. It is really there; you just can’t see it.  Delusions are a lot that way.

Delusions are distorted ways of looking at ourselves, other people, and the world around us–like a distorted mirror, they reflect a distorted world. “~   Geshe Kelsang

seven mountain ranges

View of seven mountain ranges

Again the camera lied! There are really seven mountain ranges you can see from this viewpoint.

This is not as drastic as the lying I used to do to myself, and when I deluded myself about how I really felt about many things and what was truly happening in my life. I used to let other people determine what I felt, and still I chose them to be in my life. Much later in life, I have learned how to recognize and name what I feel and am learning what my own needs are and where I am still delusional. I’m beginning to learn to accept what is happening now more readily, and obsessing less about what I want or fear. Because of this, I am a happier person now.

As it turns out I’m not alone in deluding myself. Many of us humans seem to do this. I found this TED talk which was banned by TED called The Science Delusions by the speaker Rupert Sheldrake.

two rocks

two rocks

Which of the two rocks is heavier?  The smaller one. The larger one is volcanic and is lighter.

For me at times in my life before now, it was as if I would insist that the larger rock was  heavier.  I’m glad and thankful now that I am learning to acknowledge my feelings of my likes and dislikes without trying to escape from myself or judge myself and others so harshly. I’ve also discovered that I don’t have to act out my feelings, nor let my wants or aversions have so much power over me. I can let those feelings flow through me without resisting them. (Sometimes it has been painful.) And I am continuing to work to have more compassion towards others because I usually have  NO idea what their burdens are or what they are thinking.

Just the other day I caught myself in one of my delusions, believing I had caused something which I had had ABSOLUTELY NO control over. Now when I catch myself in such delusions based on old patterns of thinking, I notice them and then laugh at myself!

“When all else fails, there’s always delusion.”  –  Conan O’Brien