Pruning Dead Wood

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Recently where I live we had an ice storm. 2/10 of an inch or more of ice caused some havoc with electrical outages where I live. The aftermath of that storm also left some trees which had lost a few small branches, or lost major branches, or were even uprooted. Those trees that could bend under the weight of the ice survived with almost no loss of limbs. The pruning by nature took place in the whole area where I live, but how severely each tree withstood the ice storm varied greatly. I believe this metaphor also works for all people including myself.

“Let us fill our hearts with our own compassion- towards ourselves and towards all living beings.”

Thich Nhat Hanh

During my life there have been times when I needed to prune my own dead wood. What I mean is, I needed to change or transform ways of thinking and doing things, or habits of thinking that had not worked in my life. When I did not prune those habits, I made poor choices of people and things in my life that did not serve me. I learned this kind of behavior in my own family. Once I finally became a parent in my 30s, I found out what a challenge it was to rear a child. I had one child. However, I was one of five children. All of my siblings and I were born close together, 5 children in 7 years. Since I was number four, I was glad to be born, but great challenges were part of my childhood. My parents did the best they could. My mom had to do much of our rearing alone with the help of my grandmother because my dad had a job that was many miles from the home my father built for us. My mother had it hard trying to give all of us the attention we needed.

From these beginnings, I learned some not great habits. One of them was I had a poor self esteem. That hindered the choices that I made of people who I made important in my life. I did not know how I needed to be treated. I also was a people pleaser, which was not helpful to myself because I was clueless about how I felt about what I honestly wanted. I was not seeing “my part” in my own life. I had nearly no boundaries for myself, so that I was taking on other peoples’ issues without knowing it, and not acknowledging my own issues. This kind of dead wood I did not know I needed to prune until later in my life. There have been consequences to me and others I love because of the choices I have made, and particularly after I became an adult (in age) and lived on my own.

My first pruning and personal ice storm came after I was divorced in my mid 30s. I am thankful that I became a more reflective person after that time. I started to look at what “my part” was that may have contributed to the end of that marriage. After a year or so after the divorce, I started to feel happier and freer because I realized I had an opportunity to find my own profession, and learn who I am. (I had married at 20 years old.) I also did not want my divorce to become some kind of anchor that I dragged through my life as some personal failure or shame. At the same time, I did need to be honest about what had happened to me during that marriage and not dismiss my own feelings about it, and, importantly, I had to summon courage to face some parts of myself that I was not happy with.

“I don’t think we spend enough time in reflection and introspection. We don’t know who we are as individuals in this culture anymore.”

Naomi Judd

For me this process of pruning has taken a long time. The way I grew up, I rarely knew what I honestly felt or wanted. These were habits that I “lived” for years that I needed to prune and overcome, and I am still learning to ask myself how I feel each day. I am finally learning what boundaries actually are between myself and others. I am still thankful for that first ice storm of a divorce that happened many years ago because it started the process for me to begin to reflect on a deeper level about myself and my life and to learn who I AM.

I wrote this poem more than 10 years ago. I can’t even remember what triggered me to write it. It may have been when my father died 13 years ago.

Light or Load
by Barbara E. Wade

Underneath our professional, adult veneer
Aren’t so many of us
Still needy children
Grasping for our mother’s
For our father’s attention…. approval?
Longing to be heard.
Waiting to be acknowledged,
But met with silence.

As we grow older
Time dulls the ache,
But life’s circumstances
Show us that…
Underneath our professional, adult veneer,
That so many of us
Are still needy children.

How do we get past the suffering?
How do we shed the pain?
Tell ourselves how much we hate
To feel emotionally disconnected once again.
Notice that life’s delivering you
Your childhood experience
In an endless stream of repetition.
And accept that this emotional hurt
Of unfulfilled expectations
Is a mistake of perception
And we aren’t even aware
Of our self-deception.
Even though it feels exactly
Like it did
When we got little attention,
When we were merely kids.
Underneath our professional, adult veneer,
So many of us
Are still needy children.

Embrace, comfort, and protect your needy child.
Love and care for her/him.
Let her/him lay down his/her load,
And be filled with light and lightness.
Observe her/him when she’s/he’s feeling down,
Remind her/him it’s old healing wounds
To let go of and live.

This year has taught me that after my mother died in October, that she was the source of LOVE and goodness in my family. The needy child that I have had in me did not fully see who my mother was and that she was unable physically and was too overwhelmed to LOVE me as much as my needy child wanted during my childhood. Now she and I are both free and I have pruned away that false expectation and perception of whether my mom loved me or not forever. These days I am also learning to be more compassionate of myself, as I do all this pruning of dead wood.

This blog is complementary to my own;
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-ways-to-feel-more-love-compassion-for-yourself-and-others/

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Cherishing Loved Ones

“Cherish your human connections- Your relationships with friends and family.”
– Barbara Bush and Joseph Brodsky

I am a mother of one child. I have cherished my daughter from the day she was born. My mother, I cherish, too. I am one of the acorns of my family tree. I have four other siblings. I have always loved my mom, and at times actions and things that were said to me from the past have stood between us. How did I learn to cherish these loved ones? It has been a process of looking inward.

For the word “Cherish”, I found these synonyms:
“adore, hold dear, love, dote on, be devoted to, revere, esteem, admire; think the world of, set great store by, hold in high esteem; care for, tend to, look after, protect, preserve, keep safe”

These are all verbs that require me to try to act on behalf of someone I love. To me it requires me to try to love unconditionally, without judgment. I am trying to give those I love free rein without imposing my will, wishes, or any manipulation to get the outcome I want; I am working to accept them for who they are.

These “requirements” can be challenging to live in action. Very recently my own will was tested when I spoke to my elderly mother on a visit. The child in me did not accept and felt hurt by an exchange I had with her. Although she is 98, I wanted her to respond differently than how she did. Over the last week, I had to go inward because the adult in me had not allowed myself to feel what I felt about my mother’s response. I had shut down my own feelings. After several days of processing, I became able to accept what she had said because I could NOT expect her to say words that I wanted to hear, but that she was unable to say.

With my daughter I feel a deep connection and love her dearly. With my mother I am aware of a difference in my connection with her, and I love her. It has taken me years to understand that my mother is and was truly doing the best she can and could when I was a child, and she grew up in a very different era than I did. My mom made different choices in life than I have.

My expectations of how both of them “should” be, don’t matter. Those are mine. I have no control over others. This is where I get to learn that we are separate and have our separate lives and live and walk on separate paths. They are both a wonderful part of my life. However, they are only two of the reasons I am happy to be alive. They are not my sole reason for living. I have my own purpose, my own path, my own reason to be alive.

Getting to this point of more ease, peace, and acceptance, has taken a lot of reflection and actual work, and it is ongoing. In the past, I NEEDED to be and was desperate to be a HELPER and FIXER. I thought that was my role in life. I was always watching out for others, and neglecting my OWN needs because I was unaware of what they were.

This video is a short version of how to start being compassionate to yourself, and thus, become able to give that to others. Kristin Neff PhD has written and done extensive work and study about self-compassion. Here is a taste of what she is suggesting as a way to look inward. She was one of my teachers who helped me learn who I am, so that I could begin to cherish myself, as well as others. Becoming able to have self-compassion for myself and others, particularly those I love, has resulted in me becoming the “mostly” happy person, I always wanted to be. Most of the time now, I know what I am feeling, so I can sit with both my suffering and joy, and not get stuck long term in the moments of suffering in my life. Being more present for my own life has been awesome and full of wonderful possibilities.

I am learning to cherish myself and own life with deep gratitude, and thus, I am able to cherish those I love in deep and wondrous ways.

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Being Open

I love dogwood trees. The first time I saw one, I thought the tree had butterflies on it. I grew up on the west coast, and where I lived, I had never seen a dogwood tree before. Now they are one of my favorite trees. The blossoms on a dogwood are open and, to me, represent being open.

For me, being open means, trying to accept what happens in my life. It means to try to be less judgmental about others. Being open also means I don’t get to control everything. Stuff will happen over which I have no control. Accepting what happens in my life does not mean I am resigned about what happens. It means I get to choose how I will respond to what happens in my life.

To be open, I try to be kind and loving towards everyone, including myself. When I am not loving towards myself, I have a hard time giving that love away. The kind of loving I mean here is I try to be compassionate. This is not always easy. If I anger someone else by telling him/her/them how I truly feel in the kindest way I can, I have to remind myself not to take their reaction personally. They will respond how they respond.

If I am fearful of others, I can’t be open. Fear is a closed door or wall that keeps others out. I do not like to live in fear. It is a good signal to myself that I might need to ask for help from an understanding friend or work on something in myself.

I must also remember everyone has an opinion and that often, that opinion will differ from my own. If I am willing to listen to others and be open, I don’t have to agree to respect that other person. Last week I saw a story about the famous singer, Joan Baez, who is very open to listening to others. Please read this story.

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2009/08/13/765667/-Joan-Baez-diffuses-right-wing-protest-at-Idaho-concert

To read this story you may need to cut and paste the above URL. At least, that was the only way I could get it to work.

“Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you’re living?”
– Bob Marley

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